No Planned Route : The Matrix ? Neo ? or Morph...

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I didn’t think it was possible but it’s happened Hollywood has had an original idea! The only problem is that no one knows what to do with it. I was contacted this morning by a friend, of a writer, of a producer of a director of a friend that works out in the land devoid of original ideas and had the following discussion with the delusional Stephanie Snickler:

Me: So you’re telling me that you have a spec script called Original Idea and it’s actually original?

Her: “Yes and I’m very excited about it. I don’t recognize the plot or the characters, it’s unlike anything I’ve read before.”

Me: Really? I thought there wasn’t an original idea left out there. I mean I’ve been screenwriting for years and all you keep saying is that “you write derivative bullshit”. Then you rip it off and use it later in other films anyway!

Her: “That’s true. Remakes and derivative works fill my inbox every week. They’re safe and easy, so I green light them all. Sometimes I don’t even read them first. But Original Idea proves we were wrong — there ARE original ideas out there! At least this one, anyway.”

Me: Alright, well can you even explain Original Idea since it’s so…Original?

Her: “I can’t give much away or another studio will steal the idea and make something similar. Then Original Idea wouldn’t be so original. What I can’t tell you is this… In a world where things happen, there’s one man who knows the truth.”

Me: So in other words the answer to my question is no. That is the most vague I think you’ve ever been.

*Silence over the line*

Me: Oh…oh I know what it is. You can’t wrap your mind around the idea of a new idea. This is great!

Her: “There’s a difference between not wanting to divulge information and not understanding it. This idea is so fresh, the movie will have audiences talking more than Inception’s spinning top. So you can understand my hesitancy to reveal it.”

Me:Sure. Sure. So is there anything else you don’t understand…can’t tell me about this Original Story?

Her: “If you could imagine if Shakespeare were alive and he’d written something like The Matrix (before you’d ever heard of The Matrix), it would be sort of like that. This is nothing like The Matrix, though, or Shakespeare.”

Me: Betwixt the two worlds the lady of the story who produceth much in the way of hot air, coulds’t no decide betwixt the red wine or the allure of the blue. Much to dismay of her kin the Fullushets she chose to drink the color of the Smartepaunts.

Her: “It seems to me that you’re questioning not only the existence of Original Idea but calling into question my integrity and intelligence!”

Me: You wouldn’t know integrity if it came up and bit you in the arse!

Her: Original Idea is….original! It’s unlike anything you’ve ever seen! And it’s going to be a blockbuster once we’ve done some rewrites.

Me: Rewrites!

Her: We don’t think the ending as written will be well received with audiences, so we’ll be making a few changes to the script. People love to make fun of the notion of “Hollywood Endings”- but it’s what the audience loves!”

Me: You wouldn’t know integrity if it came up and bit you on the arse! And you do realize that the moment you rewrite the script it will no longer be your much ballyhooed Original Idea. Of course since when has that ever hindered you from ruining a perfectly good first draft!

Not to mention that you’re probably the one who leaked the original ending of Terminator Salvation to the public. This forced a rewrite of 2 good dark acts and one poor third act into three subpar, hole riddled acts!

You butcherer of first drafts! By the time you’re done with Original Idea it will be as defunct of originality as AVATAR!

Her: How did you know it was me! How did you know I squealed like a stuck pig about the useless turd Terminator Salvation!

And Avatar was a masterpiece of storytelling once I had got done with it!

Me: Aha! I knew it was you! I’m recording this conversation! You worthless hack you couldn’t produce worthwhile programming unless you were Born Again!

So it was at that time that I hung up the phone ending the call.Besides we barely knew each other, what could she ever really do to me. Except kill me over and over again in her latest and greatest…Original Idea.

Ross Out.